In Silicon Valley, No Answer is an Answer

Silicon Valley has a unique business culture that has the paradox of time at the core of many of its peculiarities: most people in places of power, influence and experience genuinely want to help up-and-coming founders, but their work and other obligations leave little to no time for them to do so.

No side effect of this paradox is more jarring to newly-arrived founders than the fact that, in Silicon Valley, it is culturally acceptable to not reply to emails.

As humans, we like closure. In fact, we expect it in most facets of our lives. When you ask someone a question (even a complete stranger), you almost always get a response. It’s considered extremely rude in most cultures to not acknowledge such a request, even if the answer is a polite “no”.

When we don’t receive a response to our inquiries, it drives us mad.

In recent years, “ghosting” has become a more common cultural trait. But that’s not what I’m talking about here.

Ghosting refers to a sudden ending of active communication without any apparent warning or explanation. If you had an ongoing back-and-forth email thread with someone and they suddenly stop replying, that’s ghosting. And it’s unequivocally not culturally acceptable. Anywhere.

But what if you reach out to someone with a brand new request?

In Silicon Valley, it is culturally acceptable to not respond to such an email as a form of “no” (even if you know the person).

Here’s the thing: I’m pretty sure nobody actually likes this. Literally no human I have ever met enjoys the idea of not getting a response to a reasonable request. Moreover, most folks aren’t exactly thrilled that they’re potentially leaving others hanging.

But it’s widely adopted and accepted as a means of survival.

So how do you deal with this behavior in an era of email read receipts, when you know that the person has opened your email? Here are some tips:

• DO - Internalize the fact that the recipient is not trying be a jerk. They’re not “not responding” out of spite or arrogance or whatever.

• DON’T - Get mad or send an angry follow-up email. There is literally no situation where this will put you in a better position (even if it might make you feel better for 12 seconds).

• DO - Lean into this aspect of Silicon Valley etiquette. When I send an email request, I intentionally include the phrase “Let me know if you’re interested.” This is a subtle signal that I understand the etiquette at play, as if to say “…you don’t have to respond if you’re not interested.” (Ironically, I’ve found that including this particular phrase actually increases the likelihood that I get some form of response. 👀)

• DO - Give them a second chance. Many times I’ll scan an email, decide to return to it later and simply forget (e.g. because I didn’t mark it correctly in my todo system). If you don’t hear back after a week, feel free to send a polite follow-up email.

• DON’T - Keep trying ad nauseum. If you haven’t received a response after 2 or 3 emails, then the answer is no. Continuing to follow-up demonstrates that you don’t understand the etiquette at play and decreases the likelihood of a positive response to a future request. Your effective flow should be something along the lines of:

Send Initial Email → Wait 7 Days → Send Follow-Up Email → Wait 7 Days → Mark as “No”

• DON’T - Interpret a non-response as no forever. Whether in fundraising, sales or other activities, you shouldn’t remove a person who doesn’t respond to your email from consideration for future opportunities. Oftentimes, “no” just means, “not right now”.

• DO - Check out this post for more tips on how to write for success.

It takes time to get used to this dynamic — if I’m being honest, I still find it frustrating at times after 20+ years — but the sooner you make peace with this etiquette, the more effective and efficient you’ll be in your outreach.

Because in Silicon Valley, no response means no.

…unless it means I’m already off for Thanksgiving.