Will You Be the Better Man or the Bitter Man?
Note: feel free to replace the pronouns in the post with whatever you want. The story applies to everyone. It just happens to be about me.
This past Sunday was Father’s Day. Like many who are privileged to call ourselves fathers, I spent the day thinking about both my own journey as a dad and those of my father and grandfathers.
My dad was an immigrant. He and my uncle came to Canada as young boys, arriving by boat with my grandparents shortly after the war. Like many immigrants of that generation, my grandfather used his work ethic and what little money he had to build something out of nothing. Over time, the small business he started with a friend from the old country grew and eventually evolved into a “family business”.
Also like many immigrant families, my father and uncle had no choice in their career paths. When they finished school, they would enter the family business. There were many difficult and stressful times — particularly in the late-70s and early-80s, when I was a kid — but the family persevered and the business eventually flourished. (At some point, I’ll write a post about my grandmother’s incredible influence and impact on all of this.)
But that success came at a personal cost to both my father and uncle, as neither of them had a say in their future careers (I know for certain that neither of them would would have chosen to enter the family business if it had been up to them). Despite that, neither one of them were ever overtly bitter about it. Now, I’m sure that there were plenty of nights — especially in those early years when things were tough and the arguments were loud — when they wished things had been different. But as time went on they both let go of any and all frustration.
Instead, they redirected their energy in a single direction: their kids.
Both worked long hours and traveled often, but there was no question that when it was family time, it was family time. They coached and cheered and took us camping and fishing and did all of the things you could ever ask of a father. All while imparting three core lessons:
Family comes first
A strong work ethic is mandatory (we were the first generation kids of immigrants — would you expect anything less?)
Life happens. Don’t be bitter.
The third lesson — often described as, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” — has been foundational to my own journey, both personally and as an entrepreneur.
When I was 9 years old, I was diagnosed as having Type I Diabetes. I had never heard of diabetes before that day, but it sounded pretty bad. I remember spending 48 hours in the hospital surrounded by a whirlwind of nurses and doctors who told me that I couldn’t eat candy anymore and would have to inject myself multiple times each day with insulin for the rest of my life. That…didn’t sound great.
My mother was devastated. I remember hearing her crying on the phone to friends asking why this had happened to her son. Amidst her angst, my father came into the room, looked at me and simply said,
“This is your life now. It’s okay.”
Looking back on that day, I’m certain that he was in no way, shape or form calm about that moment — how could he be? — but that simple statement grounded me. I was fine. Tomorrow would happen. Life would be okay.
My parents never allowed my being diabetic to get in the way of anything. I was still encouraged (and expected) to play sports, do my chores, and otherwise be a normal kid. I remember once shortly after I was diagnosed trying to use it as an excuse to get out of something, only to be met by one of those piercing dad stares that immediately made you stop in your tracks and slowly slink away.
From that point on, I knew that no matter what happened — good, bad or otherwise — the sun would rise, tomorrow would happen, and life would go on. There was no use in being bitter about the past. Instead, I was encouraged to use each and every life experience to get better. To improve.
It’s only as I’ve grown older that I’ve realized just how much of a superpower this really is. From my father and uncle I was gifted something we often encourage for startup founders but which is incredibly difficult in practice — to not get too caught up in the highs or the lows. I have tapped into this ability countless times during my entrepreneurial journeys.
The vast majority of startups fail. We all know that going in. Sadly, many founders whose endeavors don’t work out end up bitter about their experiences or towards the people they blame for those failures. Having been an investor now for nearly 10 years, I’ve seen far too many founders struggle to recover and move on.
Side note: if you know any founders who are struggling right now, encourage them to read Annie Duke’s incredible book Quit, which I wrote a post on a few years ago.
Those who choose to enter the world of startups in any role are opting into a life of uncertainty. While I sincerely wish for all of you to succeed, the most likely outcome is failure.
And that’s okay.
No matter the outcome, the sun will rise, tomorrow will happen, and life will go on.
Thanks dad.